Of Roger, Bananas, Fitterfeeters, and Time Warp
by Lady Reena and Lisa
Summary: Stupidest Fic you will ever read here. Or funniest, depending on how you look at it. Alanna, in her polka dots and clown shoes, falls down the stairs, and finds..*the horror* A FITTERFEETER!!! dont read if u think it may be hazerdous to your health. REVIE


alannakrazy.html WARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNING 

Reading this fic may be hazerdous to your health. Please do not read if you   
a. have NO sense of humor   
b. Are overprotective of your sweet lil Jonathan-Poo   
c. expect this fic to actually MAKE SENSE   
d. are not going to review ^.^   
e. get severe motion sickness.. *Lisa whispers something to Reena* ... What? Oh! Wrong thing. Heh, heh.   
f. Have something against bananas   
g. Have something against....oh, pah, I'll stop before I scare you away. Just Read and Review. 

OF ROGER, BANANAS, FITTERFEETERS, AND TIME WARP   
***   
Alanna got out of bed and stretched. She was a squire at the Palace in Corus, getting up for another hard day's work. Faithful, her cat, also got up and yawned. Alanna then got washed up, dressed, and headed downto the mess hall for breakfast. Her friend and knight-master Prince Jonathan, greeted her there. "Hello, Alan," he said with a wink. Alanna scowled at him. "Do you want the whole world knowing that--well, you know. Keep your big mouth shut." She went to sit down. All I want is my shield, and then the whole world will know that girls CAN be knights, she thought. But until then, I've got to remain disguised as a boy. And that sly little prince better not spoil it. 

Just then, Alanna had a feeling in her stomach that she couldn't describe. She decided that fencing classes were a bit more important, and shunned the issue of her stomach away.  Circling the corner ending the long narrow hallway, she caught a glimpse of Gary, and went off to greet him. "Hallo," Gary enthusiastically yelled. "How are you, Alan of Trebond?" Alanna smiled at his playfulness. 

"Pretty good," she answered. "I'm getting ready to practice with my sword, Lightning." Gary grinned. "Glad to hear it," he answered. "Wouldn't want you to get out of practice or anything."  Alanna rolled her eyes at him, then playfully punched him in the stomach. Then she went outside to the practice courts.   
      
After practicing for awhile, Alanna felt that funny feeling in her stomach again. This time it was stronger--she felt as if she was going to faint. She reached inside herself for her Gift--and found that it was slowly draining. So THAT was what her stomach was trying to tell her!! Alanna resheathed her sword and headed towards Balor's Needle, the tallest tower in Tortall. She had a good idea of who was doing this. 

When Allana finally reached the tower, she saw a smiling face she knew toobwell. "FATHER!" she cried. he looked down at her. "Huh?" she then grabbed a banana and slapped him out of his reverie. "Hey, pop? I thought u died back in the between phase of book 2 and 1. Wassamattawitu?" 

"Oh, sorry. I wanted to make SOME kind of an appearance! Geesh! I mean, why write me in at all if I'm just gonna die. So, here I am. With a little weilding I get to be back in the series!!! yay!!" 

"Well, father, this isn't exactly the series. Just a stupid fic Reena and Lisa have written for their own amusement." 

_ Lisa: STUPID?!?!?!? THATS IT, SISTER! YOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR OUTTA HERE!_

_With a quick nod to Reena, Lisa begins to type her VERY INTERESTING, AND AMUSING fic again..._

Alanna looked into her fathers eyes, and said "Papa, I'm but a lowly wench. Please sheild me from the holier-than-thou Lisa. I am ashamed of myself, and cannot bear for her to see me in my impertinance, and ignominiousness state. I am a stupid, stupid child. For I have decieved thee..." 

Then Alanna gets struck from the oh-so-holy lightening bolt, and dies. 

_Lisa: Aha!! That'll teach u!!_

_ Reena: Lisa......_

_Lisa: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! BEAR MY MERCILESS WRATH!!!! MWAHAHAHAH!!_

_Reena: calm.....yourself....._

_Lisa: Whatever. I've had my fun._

_Lisa continues writing....but puts poor Alanna back in, for she is sorta beneficial..._

_Alanna and Sir Alan stare blankly up at the maniacal author. "Well, now that that's over..."_

_evil cackle from Lisa as she writes...._

"Uh, right," Alanna timidly responds. "Let's get on with it, shall we?" 

"Hmm, yes." 

_*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCHHH*_

Lisa: HOLD ON!!! I have calmed down, so now let us get practical. We can't have you here, Sir Alan. 

Sir Alan: WHY NOT?!?!? *sniffly* 

Lisa: It just wouldn't work, see? You died a long time ago! 

Sir Alan: Pah! I'm in great health! 

Lisa: *smacks forhead* LOGIC, SIR, LOGIC! 

Lisa: *screams* TIME-IN!!! 

When Alanna finally reached the tower... 

She saw Roger, the Duke of Conté, leaning out of the side at the top. Well I have to face him, she thought. I'm not scared of him. I'm NOT scared of him, she thought boldly as she started ascending the long stairs up to the top. 

When she got there, Roger greeted her. "Morning, Squire Alan," he said, emphasizing on the word 'Alan.' She glared at him suspiciously. Could he possibly know she was a girl under all this? How long had he known?   
      
"Look, Roger, I'm not going to waste my time on small talk, but is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" 

Roger look puzzeled. He then pulled something out of his pants. "It's a banana." 

Alanna looked up at him. She then started batting her eyes rapidly, and made a twisted face. "Something the matter?" questioned Duke Roger. 

"My eye itches..." Alanna pulled her eyelids over and...*the HORROR*...flipped them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Roger screamed in agony. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

"What? It's easier to scratch them this way." 

*SCREEEEECH-IE-POO!!!!!!* 

Lisa: *Looks at the terror she had just scripted* What have I done??!?!?!!??!!? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Reena: Um, Lisa? What's wrong with that? *flips eyelids* 

Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

As Lisa writes the characters start having their own conversation.... 

Alanna: WHAAAZZZZZZZUUUUUUPPPPP?????????? 

Roger: Er...nothing. 

Alanna: Have you ever eaten spinach? 

Roger: DON'T SAY THAT CURSED WORD! 

Alanna: Which word? 'Have'? 

Roger: AAAAAAAAAAHHH! 

Alanna: 'ever'? 

Roger: *stares up at author* make....it....stop.... 

Alanna: Oh, SPINACH!! 

Roger: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE SPINACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sucks thumb* 

_Lisa grins evilly...._

*TIME-IN*   
    
Ahem. The other writer of this horrid fanfic takes the pencil...er ok keyboard and picks up before all the above nonsense happened.   
      
"Look, Roger, I'm not going to waste my time on small talk, but..." She trailed off because Roger was looking at her strangely. 

"What?" she said. 

"Your CLOTHES," he answered. 

Alanna looked down. She was wearing on bunny slipper and on the other foot a big red clown shoe, and a polka dotted shirt with pants that looked like they were six sizes too big for her. 

"Oh, fartface," she muttered. This was weird. She coulda sworn she was wearing breeches a second ago. 

"HEY!! Who ya calling fartface!!" Roger screeched at her. 

"No one!" Alanna snapped. Then she sighed. This was totally useless. She wasn't going to get anything done while wearing polka dots. No one would take her seriously. She moved towards the door to take the long stair back to the bottom. At the last moment she looked back to Roger. He was still staring at her. She glared at him and he finally looked away. 

Halfway down the stairs, Alanna tripped over that dreadful clown shoe and went rolling down the stairs, cursing all the way. 

Alanna tumbled down the stairs and fell into an itty bitty plot hole that was tragically full of plot hole bunnies. "Hmph," she stated. "just awful!!" 

A METMA Mandy chick: Would u say 'Gawdawful'? 

Lisa: METMA chick, wrong fandom... 

METMA: Ohhhhhh!!! TP!!! Ahh....best get my butt back to the HP section....whoopsies! 

Lisa: S'okay! Luv havin' ya guys around!! :-D 

METMA: Ciao!! 

Lisa: Peace! 

Alanna stared up blankly at her mentally impaired author. "Uhh..." 

Lisa: Oh, shut it, you! Let me WRITE! 

Just then a girl was walking toward Alanna. 

"Who are you?" she asked the grimfaced girl walking briskly in her direction. 

"That was rude, dont u think?" 

"Sorry...i just think im lost..." 

"Well, where r u from?" 

"I'm living in the palace, as a squire." 

"Oh, reeeeeeeeeeally? Hmph. Im a squire, but i dont believe i know u. Whats your name?" 

"Alan...and yours?" 

"My name is Kel...." 

Alanna looked her over. "You can't be a squire! They don't allow girls!"   
Kel glanced suspiciously at her. "You don't look like a squire," she said. 

"And anyone knows that girls are now allowed to be knights." Alanna frowned. "I must have taken longer than I thought to talk to Roger."   
"Roger? The Duke of Conté?" 

"Yes! Finally, you know who I'm talking about. All I did was go to the top of Balor's needle to go talk to him." Kel looked suspicious as ever. "Duke Roger is dead." 

"WHAT! I talked to him not ten minutes ago!" 

"He's been dead for many years!! A knight named Alanna of Pirates Swoop and Olau killed him!!" Alanna stared. "I KILLED him?!" she screeched. Then she realised what she said. "I mean--oh poo." Kel was now starting to look dowright scared. 

"Look, i don't know who the HECK u are, but I think you need to go to a funny farm!!" She ran away as fast as her legs could carry her. Alanna stared. Now what? she thought. To pass time, she sat on a rock and started to eat some M&Ms. Oh wait, they haven't been invented yet. She, ah, erm...she started to eat some dirt. Yes, dirt. She was hungry. All of a sudden she heard the oddest sound coming from behind her!! 

_Lisa walks calmly into the room. She stares blankly at her computer screen. Her brain itches but she just can't think of anything to write. You have just stepped into the twilight zone....___

_Be warned my brethren.....___

_For the attack has been unleashed by the feared...WRITER'S BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Du-du-duuuuuuuuuuun.___

_Lisa picks up her penc-er-mouse and ...clicks? Well, she starts typing, anyways, and...._

Alanna looked behind her. "Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed a few bad words, and came back to her senses to say "A fitterfeeter?!" 

Lisa: What the hell is a fitterfeeter, you ask? Well, just shut up and I'll tell u...well, Reena will, cuz it's her turn to write, for I have no clue what a fitterfeeter is........hmm....   


_Reena thinks for a minute. Then she asks her friend, who is online, what a fitterfeeter is. Her friend says "what the...!!" and is no help.___

_So she asks 4 other ppl and puts all their ideas together..._

The fitterfeeter--a large, ugly immortal who was half elf, half beaver and had VERY large feet--hence the sound Alanna heard--looked like he had just come out of the rain and was convered in feathers. 

Alanna could only stare. She had never seen a fitterfeeter before, and was wary of them--they were said to be dangerous and lethal. This one certainly did not look lethal though--maybe becuase it was crying, or maybe it was because it looked so funny. 

Fitterfeeter: STOP staring at me!!! BOO HOO HOO!!! 

Alanna stepped closer. "What's wrong?" The fitterfeeter looked at her and started to burst into tears all over again. 

"I have been bestowed upon a most dreadful fate," he sniffled. He sat down on the ground. Alanna joined him. This guy was harmless. 

"Well, so have I," she said comfortingly. "Let's trade stories. Me, I fell in a plothole and I don't know where I am--I think I'm in another time." 

The fitterfeeter wiped its eyes. "All I was doing was taking a walk through the woods. And then..." 

"...large slavic thumb wrestlers jumped out at me. I was so petrified!" He   
then took time to burst out dramatically into a bit of fitful weeping, then   
he ran up to a stray cat and started snogging it mercilessly. (poor thing) 

Then, Artemis, Lisa's beautiful kitten, who must be added in this fic, whilst   
the many many commas, jumped out from Lisa's lap. 

Artemis: Hey, that's my girl! 

Remus (HarryPotterCharacter): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!   
CAAAAAAAAATTTTSSSSSSSS!! IVE HAD ENOUGH OF KIMS, NOW URS?!?!??!   
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sirius (HPC): Oh, shut it, will ya?? 

back to the essance of this story... 

Alanna then kicked the fitterfeeter hard and ran. She tripped over Kel, and   
slid under Neal's legs, and right back into a weird portal. While the previous transportation was a plothole filled with plotbunnies, this was a portal made of cheese. Alanna fell a considerably long way, and was soon greeted by...Duke Roger!! 

"HUNUH?!" Alanna gasped. "Where am I now?"   
Roger gave her a funny look. "Why, you know perfectly well where you are! Alan of Trebond, I must say I am getting suspicious of you!" 

Alanna stumbled away and almost ran headlong into Jon. "Hey, Alan," he said with a wink. "Ready for breakfast?" 

Alanna shook her head. HUH?! she thought. Haven't I been here before? She went and sat down to breakfast. 

Just then, Alanna had a feeling in her stomach she couldn't describe. . . 

********** 

OK!!! OK!!! WE ARE DONE!!!!!! FINALLY, YOU SAY!!! YESWEARE!! OK, I know it didn't make any sense, but this is the stuff we come up with!! Go read our harry potter one!! YAYAY!! 

Lady Reena has something to say-- Please, PLEASE DONT U DARE think ALL my fics are like this. *gets down on knees and begs* YOU SEE!!! This is what happens when I write fics with her!!! *grin* YAY! We all have our weirdo side!!!   
****   
REVIEW!!! 

REVIEW!!!! 

LOOK AT THAT REVIEW BOX AINT IT PRETTY!!!!!!   
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